Why I Stopped Writing About My Life Online.

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For the last 6 years I felt like there was something missing in my life. And I don’t mean more self-compassion or self-love or self-worth (of course those things are important, and I’ve written extensively about them, it’s just not what this post is about). I knew it was something in my external world that I was meant to do and move towards. And I also had a hunch there wasn’t just one thing that was “it”; I knew it was a collection of what I was doing with my time. Up until this year, I just wasn’t exactly sure what that soul satisfying combination was, for me.  

It has been a lot (a lot), of trial and error. I’ve moved cities and countries, i’ve had different jobs and lifestyles, and i’ve completed a variety of education and trainings. And even though I’ve enjoyed much of what I’ve tried (yet, of course, absolutely hated some of it), there was always this deeper yearning for something more, something that would simply be a better daily fit. Along the way I also learnt if we get too attached to what we think our lives are supposed to look like, instead of focusing on how it feels, we’re guaranteed to be frustrated as hell and wind up off course. 

I’ve written countless blogs on my experiences over the last several years, and I have two things to say about it:

  1. I’m so grateful for anyone that has taken the time to read and give feedback to what i’ve written. When I get an email saying how something I wrote resonated with someone, it reminds me of the two fulfilling reasons to share anything online — for education or to support one another and remember whatever we are going through, we are never going through it alone.

  2. Each persons reason for sharing their life online are unique. In hindsight, sharing my life online was kind of like a make-shift vision board of what I wanted my life to feel like. I would get glimpses of certain qualities, lean into it, write about it, and imagine how I could make this a more common experience in my life. I wrote a lot about the feelings and qualities I desired to experience more frequently… mainly ease, connection, inspiration, purpose, motivation and being of service in a big way. But it always felt as if I was walking along the current of a stream and dipping my toe in once in a while. I could feel the water and the current and the flow of how it could be, though I wasn’t fully in it, yet.

That feeling of walking only beside the current went away when I landed in Toronto. It went away when I started studying Naturopathic Medicine. It went away when I found a way to fill every single day with learning, meaningful conversations, community and collaborating with others to work towards something far beyond our individual selves. It went away when I found a daily routine that’s sustainable, when I found hobbies and passions to do just for the pure joy of it. It went away when I found communities to be a part of and it went away when I’ve been more openly an advocate for both preventative health and mental health. Ultimately, that missing feeling went away when I truly fell in love with the process of it all and when I whole-heartedly began to believe in what I’m doing with my time.

And the reason I haven’t really been writing about my life online for this past year… is, well, I’m just in it. Like really in it. I’ve jumped two feet into that stream and I’ve been in the flow of what I knew was possible. Albeit, I did not at all think this would be how my life was going to look, but as I’ve learnt, that really doesn’t matter in the slightest. Although there are many things I’d like to do and accomplish within my lifetime, it has been so refreshing to be so focused on the day to day and falling deeper in love with the process of it all. 

I used to get glimpses of those feelings through yoga, meditation, or while lost in writing… but now, as I used to day dream about, I’m connected to those feelings with my eyes open, engaging in my day to day. I didn’t know working harder then ever, yet being more at ease simultaneously was possible. But now I know when we’re doing what really fuels us and serves others, it’s not only possible, but also sustainable. 

To anyone out there that feels like something is missing in your external life, keep trying things on and see how it actually feels; locations, jobs, volunteer work, daily routines, ways of eating, moving and living. What we think we want and what actually feels right isn’t always the same thing. In a day and age of information overload, the only real option is to try it out, see how it really feels, and experience what is possible. 

Life can be tricky and confusing of what we’re supposed to do with our time. But now more than ever I believe there isn’t just one thing that’s “it”. I personally believe those deeper yearnings and desires we crave in our lives are filled by the collection of how we spend each 24 hours. Not only what we do, but how we do it. Not only where we’re going, but who we’re going there with. Life is dynamic and ever changing and what works now, won’t necessarily work forever. But the only way to get to know ourselves better and what fits our unique vision of what we want our lives to be, is to simply try. Again and again.

There is so much going on my life behind the scenes right now, and I do miss writing as much as I used to. My program is packed with education that I am so eager to share. And my relationship to both practicing and teaching yoga has been shifting and is feeling better than ever before. But to be honest, spending any additional time online that I don’t have to for school or work has shifted to the very bottom of my priority list. So i’m trusting what I feel called to share, I can share in my yoga classes I teach, with friends and colleagues in person, and eventually, when the timing feels right again, to share with a greater span of people.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone i’ve met, even if only briefly, over the last several years. These last 3 years especially have been packed to the brim of intense transition and transformation on every level. It’s the people i’ve encountered that have shaped and brought meaning to all of these experiences, and that have led me to where I am today. For that, for all of you, I’m eternally grateful. 

*Lastly, a super special shout out to Colby and Tali for my weekly visits at the Robert Schad Naturopathic Clinic. Thank you for keeping me healthy, teaching me so much about health and wellness through a variety of lenses, and helping me stay on track to be able to do what I love. I’ve learnt more from both of you than I can put it into words. So for now I won’t try to, i’ll just keep steeping in the lessons.

To sum up my past year in one sentence: the trial and error of it all — every road block, hiccup and mistakes made in pursuit of how we truly want to spend our precious time here is so, so, so worth it.

With all my love, 

Alexa

alexa torontow3 Comments